A Calvin and Hobbes Christmas
by Calvinseviltwin85
Summary: A spoof of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' Hobbes finally steps up and recites the same speech Linus gave. It's a bit off the mark (Susie replaces Lucy) but Moe's lines are to die for!


A Calvin and Hobbes Christmas: An adaptation of A Charlie Brown Christmas written in Script form by Megz  
  
Cut to Calvin at home atop Hobbes, trying to reach mailbox.  
  
Calvin: Darn, no early Christmas presents!  
  
Climbs off Hobbes quickly  
  
Calvin: Sometimes I really can't handle the stress of this holiday season! I hate being so good!  
  
Calvin walks past Susie, Candace, and Toby.  
  
Candace: Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue!  
  
Susie: Hm, need flavoring! I never eat snowflakes in December. I always wait until January.  
  
Toby: They sure look tasty to me!  
  
Kids try to knock a can off a wall. Toby successes using his old blanket.  
  
Susie: What's with you and that blanket Toby? What are you going to do with it when you grow up?  
  
Toby: Maybe I'll make into a sport coat!  
  
Cut to Susie talking to Calvin.  
  
Susie: So Calvin, are you going to be in the school Christmas play this year?  
  
Calvin: Nope.  
  
Susie: Really? We even have an opening spot for a director!  
  
Calvin: (stops in his tracks) DIRECTOR? WHERE DO I SIGN UP?  
  
Susie: At the school. I think I'm going to be the Christmas Queen  
  
Calvin: Not if I can help it.  
  
Susie walks ahead of Calvin to the School.  
  
Fade out. Open new scene at the auditorium. Everyone is dancing about to jazz.  
  
Susie: All right, calm down everybody! Our director will be here in a few moments and we can start rehearsing!  
  
Candace: Director? We have a director?  
  
Susie: Yeah, Calvin!  
  
Candace: Oh no, this play is DOOMED!  
  
Susie: Here's Calvin now.  
  
General applause, boo's from Hobbes who has beat his friend there.  
  
Calvin: Best friend my buttocks!  
  
(Walks over to directors chair and sits. Seems to have an evil grin)  
  
Calvin: Well, let's get down to business! One thing to help make sure a performance is going to win an Oscar is paying ALL your attention to your director, a.k.a. me! I'll keep is short. If my arm goes to the right, it's code for focus stage right. If I do the opposite, it means do the opposite! If I say jump you jump! If I seem to cut my own neck off it means CUT! If I swing my head back and forth fast, it means do the hokey pokey! All right? I said ALL RIGHT?  
  
Cut to everyone dancing about to Jazz, including Moe.  
  
Calvin: ALL RIGHT CUT IT OUT! We're gonna get this right OK? Susie hand out those costumes!  
  
Susie walked up to JESSICA and hands her a scrip and costume.  
  
Susie: Jessica, you're the innkeeper's wife.  
  
Jessica: (plays with her hair) Do innkeepers wives have naturally curly hair?  
  
Susie walks up to MOE and does the same.  
  
Susie: Moe, you're the innkeeper.  
  
Moe: In spite of my evil ways, I shall try to run a peaceful inn.  
  
Susie walks over to TOBY and hands him costume and script.  
  
Susie: Toby, you're a shepherd.  
  
Toby: Every year it's the same. I'm always a shepherd.  
  
Susie walks over to Hobbes and hands him a script.  
  
Susie: Hobbes, you'll be all the animals in the play. Can you be a sheep?  
  
Hobbes (gets down on all fours) Baaa...  
  
Susie: What about a cow?  
  
Hobbes: MOOO!  
  
Susie: What about a penguin?  
  
Hobbes: (walks about in a stiff manner making clicking noises with his claws)  
  
Susie: Yes, he's even a great penguin!  
  
Susie: (walks over to TOBY)  
  
Susie: Toby, you need to get rid of your blanket! (hands him another script) And here, you need to memorize your lines!  
  
Toby: I can't memorize these lines!  
  
Susie: Be read to recite when your cue comes!  
  
Toby: I can't memorize something like this so fast! Why should I be put through such pain! Give me one good reason!  
  
Susie: (makes a fist one finger at a time) Here are a few. One, two, three, four, five!  
  
Toby: The holiday season gets less jolly every year.  
  
Susie: And get rid of that blanket! What a dope you're gonna be like that!  
  
Toby: This is one shepherd that isn't leaving his trusty blanket behind! (Drapes it over his head) see, you won't hurt me will you?  
  
Ct to Calvin trying not to get angry. Susie approaches him.   
  
Susie: Well the cast's ready. Take over!  
  
Calvin: Ok, let's have some silence. Music...  
  
(Begins playing JAZZ again.)  
  
Calvin: CUT! (walks over to JESSICA and MOE) Let's rehearse the scene at the inn. Jess...  
  
Jessica: I can't go on! There's too much smell! It's robbing my hair of its hair spray!  
  
Calvin: Oh shut up! We don't have time for this nonsense!  
  
Susie: That's right. What about my part Calvin? What about the Christmas Queen? Hmmm? Are you going to let all this beauty rot? You don't think I'm good enough Calvin do you? You didn't answer me right away. If you thought I had talent you would have spoken right up! I know when I've been insulted! I know when I've been insulted! (Exit Susie)  
  
Calvin: Ok, moving on. Places. Action.  
  
Cut to everyone dancing about.  
  
Cut to Susie and Calvin  
  
Susie: Isn't it a great play Calvin?  
  
Calvin: That's it! Now look if we're ever gonna start we need you all to cooperate!  
  
Susie: Don't you think it's great the way it is?  
  
Calvin: It's all wrong.  
  
Susie: Look Calvin. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. A big eastern syndicate you know runs it.  
  
Calvin: This play won't be commercial.   
  
Susie: Look Calvin. What DO you want?  
  
Calvin: We need a Christmas tree.  
  
Susie: YEAH! A bit shinny aluminum tree! That's a great idea! You get the tree and I'll handle this crowd!  
  
Calvin: Ok, I'll take Hobbes with me.  
  
(group gathers around)  
  
Calvin: Ok, you guys practice your lines!  
  
Susie: Get the biggest, grandest tree of all! Maybe pink!  
  
Candace: Yeah, do something smart for a chance Calvin!  
  
Cut to Calvin and Hobbes walking outside.  
  
Calvin: I don't know Hobbes. Let's try and find a good tree.  
  
Hobbes: I suggest we try those searchlights then.  
  
(They enter a Christmas tree lot. Pan shot of various colorful trees. Zoom in to small pine tree on a wooden stand)  
  
Hobbes: Wow, they still make trees like this?  
  
Calvin: This little one seems to need a home.  
  
Hobbes: I don't know Calvin. It doesn't seem to fit what the cast has in mind.  
  
Calvin: I don't care. We'll decorate and everything. Besides, it's kidna cool!  
  
Cut to auditorium. Calvin sets tree in center of the stage.  
  
Calvin: We're back.  
  
Kids gather around astounded at sad little tree.  
  
Candace: What kind of tree is that?  
  
Jessica: Boy are you stupid Calvin.  
  
Susie: You were supposed to get a good tree! Can't you tell a good tree when you see one!  
  
Jessica: I told you he'd goof it up. He's not the kind you can depend on for anything!  
  
Candace: You're hopeless Calvin. Completely hopeless.  
  
Calvin: Darn.  
  
Susie: You've done strange things before Calvin but this is just stupid!  
  
Everyone laughs.  
  
Susie: what a tree!  
  
Everyone exits laughing.  
  
Calvin: I guess you were right Hobbes. I shouldn't have picks this up. I guess I don't know a thing about Christmas. (Loudly) Does anyone know what Christmas is REALLY about?  
  
Hobbes: Sure Calvin. I can tell you. (Walks to center stage) Lights please? (Lights dim. Focus on Hobbes) And there were in the same country shepherds abiding the in the field keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shown about the,. And they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them. "Fear not. For behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which will be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David is a savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you. You shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger." And suddenly there with the angel a multitude of heavenly host praising God saying, "Glory to god in the highest, and on Earth peace, goodwill toward men." (Exits stage left) And that's what the true meaning of Christmas is Calvin.  
  
Calvin picks up the tree and walks out past the group of quite kids. Enters the dark outdoors and gazes up at the stares while recalling Hobbes' speech.  
  
Hobbes (echo of previous).. . For behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which will be to all people. For unto you are born this day in the city of David is a savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you.  
  
Calvin: Hobbes I right. I'll take this tree home and decorate it. I'll show them it will be perfect for our play!  
  
Fade out. Calvin walks into the distance.  
  
(Takes an ornament from Susie's house. Places the bulbs on the tree. Tree slumps from weight of the bulb)  
  
Calvin: I KILLED IT! (He exits leaving the tree)  
  
(Kids enter)  
  
Toby: I never thought it was a bad little tree. (Wraps blanket around base and picks up the bent branch) Maybe it just needs a little love.  
  
(Kids take other things from Susie's house and puts it onto the tree transforming it into a lush tree.)  
  
Susie: Calvin may be a pig face smelly fat head, but he did get a great tree.  
  
Calvin: (enters) What's going on here?  
  
All: MERRY CHRISTMAS CALVIN!  
  
(Cut to gang singing various carols)  
  
THE END  
  
Note: Original material is copyrighted to Charles M. Shultz. 


End file.
